Oh my little pregnancy miracle. The baby we thought we might never have. My life is about to completely change and before into going what that’s like I thought I would share the process of getting here. Not that anyone cares really but figured I would write it no, while its still semi fresh on my ind and before I start forgetting the special moments and details involved in the making of our dear little one.
After being diagnosed w/ infertility about 6 months into my marriage and after having tried on our own about a year and a half before starting fertility treatments I always remained positive it would eventually happen. I’m one of the weird ones that knew as a little girl that the one thing I knew I wanted in life was to be a mom. I went to school, had good jobs, made sure I married a good man and finally made it (although later in life than expected) to the point where I was “ready” to be a mom. I did it “the right way” by basically my parents and traditional standards. I was there and I’d reached this goal stage in my life where I was ready to be a mom. Unfortunately my body was not cooperating. I had gone off my birth control about 6 months before my wedding and nothing had happened, not even a scare. I finally went and saw a doctor and even though I had complained numerous times to my doctors in the past about weird symptoms I had always had, weight gain when dieting, being lethargic and just a general feeling of being off they always said I was overweight and over stressed. Your hair is falling out? Stress. You’re gaining weight? Stress. After my periods stopped I was like no more of this and became convinced I was not going to be able to have kids. I voiced this to my husband a few times before he snapped a me for saying ti all the time but in my heart I knew something was wrong. This new doctor wasn’t very nice, kind of an older New York Jewish type with white curly hair and small round glasses. He sat with me 5 minutes and looked over my chart. “You have PCOS, we will run some blood tests but this is why you are infertile.” He spun around in his chair and without making eye contact said, “You will have trouble conceiving if you do at all, cut out carbs and take these meds. See you in 3 months.” And he literally walked out. I sat there in this tiny chair crying by myself a few minutes before leaving.
I remember driving home from the doctors office and calling my dad in tears as I relayed my doctors prognosis and the new medication I’d have to take. My father was very sympathetic and emotional for me and he listened as I bawled uncontrollably. I called my husband who was still at work after contemplating waiting until the end of his day. I didn’t want to put that in his head while working but I needed to tell him immediately. He asked as usual if I was serious, said he was sorry and asked if I was okay. Then he couldn’t talk and had to go. I think he was processing it. We hung up and I waited for him to come home.When he arrived I was still crying and lying on the couch. He sat next to me as I sobbed and help my head. He kissed me and fixed my hair, pulling it back from my face and told me we would figure it out.
I immediately started Metformin, the miracle PCOS drug that helped you lose weight, control insulin and ovulate on your own. I fall into the 50 percent that it did not work for. It basically made me violently ill, throwing up anywhere from 3-6 times a day and hiding in the basement bathroom at work. I threw up so hard I had bruises on my rib cage, my back teeth lost their enamel and I got cavities on my molars. Dehydrated, emotionally unstable and unable to go anywhere but home and work due to sickness and lack of energy I took my meds every day for 2 months. I even tried cutting the dosage in half and upping it slowly in hopes I just needed to build a tolerance but no luck. I remember the last day I took it. I was lying on the bathroom floor at my office crying after throwing up for the 12th friggen time! I said no more, I just couldn’t do it. When I told my doctor at my next appointment he said, ” Well, we tried the Metformin, you just couldn’t do it so I guess we move on.” Like I was weak and didn’t try. I was crushed, hurt by his lack of sympathy and the implication I hadn’t tried. I went home and after a week or two I called his office about 6 times begging for fertility pills. He finally called me back this time a lot nicer and put me on Clomid fertility drugs. “Lets get you pregnant!” He said. But they didn’t work and my periods were still off. Finally he sent me to a Fertility Clinic.
Drinking our tiny water bottles and watching couple after crying couple come in and out of the office I couldn’t believe my life had brought me here. All the married people trying to conceive a baby. Trying to pro create and paying out the wazoo for an extension of life past their own. Finally it was our turn and we basically shared our histories. So many questions about potential previous pregnancies, abortions, family health history, blood work, sperms counts and ultrasounds. Our doctor was this tiny crazy eyed woman with an eccentric personality and a great smile and we loved her. We had to run blood tests and I had to go do a procedure where they fill your uterus and ovaries with dye and take rays to see if everything is there and normal. That was so painful and uncomfortable. I still wasn’t too excited about showing a bunch of strangers my whoha but little did I know it would be the beginning of a lot of strangers down there. The nurse met me outside and talked to me through the door as I changed into a gown and hospital booties. She helped me onto the table and made jokes to help calm me down, which worked a little. The doctor finally came in and was like, “Ok lay down. I am inserting this tube, you will feel pressure and it will hurt, not too much, it’ll be like the worst cramps you’ve ever had.” OK, and the balloon opened my cervix and it totally fucking hurt. “Now here comes the pressure.” and my eyes teared up as I thought “now comes the pressure?!” As my uterus filled up it hurt so bad I yelled out. There’s a difference ladies. When I’m crampy I lay in the fetal position crying in a dark room and rocking back n forth. I’m not lying flat on a cold table or twisting my body for good x-ray shots. It was agonizing. “Stay still please,” she said about 10 times in 2 minutes. She pulled everything out, showed me the screen of the xray and left. These doctors, always so quick to leave.
Fast forward and we are back at the fertility clinic. My husband and I were looking at print outs of my dye filled uterus and ovaries. The tubes leading to my ovaries looked about a mile long and looked like crazy straws, all loops and squiggles but apparently normal. My husband held the photos nodding as if confirming they were good. We did an ultrasound and my ovaries were packed full of eggs. Tons of them from years of not ovulating and just sitting in there. They gave us a price and told us for $1100 bucks they would monitor my uterus and then insert my husbands soldiers into my tubes to help the journey. Not including all the meds I had to take. He had to give blood, submit to STD tests and give a sperms sample for count. He went and did the tests and we were on our way. We left the doctors office giggling and holding hands as he said, “We could have a baby by next yr.”
It’s a process. I had to take pills to get a period, then I took Fermera to make my eggs grow and then a shot in my belly to make me ovulate. I took the pills and every 4 days before work I’d go in as they did an internal x-ray to see if my eggs were growing. 1st visit, there was nothing, the meds were not working so they doubled the dose. 2nd visit, there were 3 eggs but not mature yet. 3rd visit, 3 full eggs and ready took inseminate. There was a chance they would all come out and fertilize and we could end up with triplets or twins. Hubs was not happy with multiples and although I did have a few nightmares I was pregnant with 20 babies and in another there were 4 waving at me via ultrasound but we weren’t missing our chance. They gave me the prescription for the shot and hubs picked it up while I went to work. All day I was pumped, scared that I or my husband would have to give me this shot when we are both terrified of needles. I came home from work and held the needle as I stared at it, turning it over and over in my hand for at least an hour. My husband sat on the foot of the bed watching TV, he’d freaked out and said he couldn’t do it. As he watched the movie I lay on the bed suckling in deep breaths trying to hype myself up. Finally I just pulled off the cap, pushed the air out and pinched my tummy hard. I sucked in one breath and inserted the needle. As I pushed it in I kept waiting for pain but my adrenaline was so high all I could do was say “Oh my fucking God,” over and over for the 5 seconds it took. Hubs turned around wide-eyed as it pulled it out and I sat up shaking. “I am a fucking bad ass!” I yelled at him. “You did it? OMG you did it!” He said back. I threw the empty syringe on the night stand and said “Ya I did because you couldn’t but I did it… to myself!” To which he said he would have had I really needed him too. Whatever lol.
Two days and it was time for the 2nd stage. We were all prepared and the night before, the doctors office called. They only ran 2 of the 7 tests needed and lost his blood sample. They couldn’t do the procedure. I freaked out on the doctor. Why did you wait to the last-minute to check?! We had timed everything and spent a month doing exams and I gave myself a fucking shot! I was devastated. They told me if he ran to the doctors before they closed they might have the results by morning. My husband was at work in the middle of a painting job and I called him screaming. “You need to go and give blood right now! They lost it, go go go.” He was so mad and hates needles so he was livid he had to go again. I told him get over it and get there in 20 min. or no baby! He dropped what he was doing and raced to the doctors office, making it one min. before closing. When you get inseminated it is timed to place the sperms where the egg will be inside you. A journey that done naturally usually takes a day’s journey but through insemination takes just minutes. If the blood test didn’t come back in time the window would be closed and we would have missed our chance already. When doing this you can’t have sex for at least 2 to 3 days to build up soldiers but if the test didn’t go through we wasted a month and $1100 bucks. I raced home from work and stripped as I walked in the house. My husband sat in our room waiting for me and we did the baby dance hoping it was in time. It was a risk using his soldiers before hand but we needed to make sure. After we were done I lay on my back as he held my legs up and we talked about work and watched TV. That’s my memory of that night. Him holding my legs up and us talking nonchalant as we’re tried to make a baby. Next day came… they weren’t able to get the results so the window passes and no insemination. I demanded a refund and they told us to just have sex and it would still be fine. Jerks fucked up but they wanted their money. After this entire speech to us about timing is everything and now they were like, oh it can still work. Two weeks go by and I come in for a blood test and go back to work. They call me around 2pm and I can’t answer so I finally get a break and run outside my office to listen to my voice mail. A very somber voice said “Hello Mam, I am calling to inform you that the pregnancy test was negative. You aren’t pregnant, I am sorry. Please give us a call so we can begin your next months process soon.” and hung up. It had been overcast but as I listened fat drops of rain started to fall around me. Then it started pouring. I didn’t want to go back inside so I walked around the block to the church next door. Homeless people and people on their lunch breaks sat on the stairs and pillars so I sat myself down as well and cried. I listened to Labyrinth sing, Jealous of the Rain, on my phone and cried for the life that didn’t take. I called my husband who didn’t answer and I called my dad who said he was sorry. I called my mom but she was busy and I hung up. Just sitting there crying in the rain for 15 minutes. Then I went back to work. A day or so later the doctor called to reschedule and I told her we were out of money and would have to wait. She said she hated to waste a month so she would send me a prescription for fertility pills so at least we could make them grow and see if we could do it on our own until we could save enough up again. The next month, everything would change for me.
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